Tiger Woods has finally released a statement regarding the bizarre nature of his auto/matrimonial accident. 

As you all know, I had a single-car accident earlier this week, and sustained some injuries. I have some cuts, bruising and right now I’m pretty sore.This situation is my fault, and it’s obviously embarrassing to my family and me. I’m human and I’m not perfect. I will certainly make sure this doesn’t happen again.

This is a private matter and I want to keep it that way. Although I understand there is curiosity, the many false, unfounded and malicious rumors that are currently circulating about my family and me are irresponsible.

The only person responsible for the accident is me. My wife, Elin, acted courageously when she saw I was hurt and in trouble. She was the first person to help me. Any other assertion is absolutely false.

This incident has been stressful and very difficult for Elin, our family and me. I appreciate all the concern and well wishes that we have received. But, I would also ask for some understanding that my family and I deserve some privacy no matter how intrusive some people can be.

The main piece of information that I can pull out of this statement is that Tiger would like everyone to refer to his wife as a “hero” and not “club wielding crazy woman that might be seen on the next Maury Povich Show”.  In any event if the rumours about Tiger’s extra curricular activities are true, he might want to contact Kobe Bryant or David Beckham for their play by play how to guides on how to smooth this over with his wife.

Today is the day that the Saskatchewan Rough Riders will battle the heavily favoured Montreal Alouettes for the right to hoist the Grey Cup.  I can’t say I really support either team since my allegiance is squarely with the Hamilton Tiger Cats, however today I will be wearing green and drinking from green bottles in hopes of Saskatchewan winning the 97th edition of the Grey Cup.

In somewhat a traditional way I’m hosting a little soiree to watch the game at the First Lady’s and I’s little manor.  I tend to watch most of the big sporting events with my Grandparents, Bill and Rhea and my other Grandfather, Pip.  My parents will also be in attendance as I hope we all will be clinking the Moosehead green bottles during a Saskatchewan victory. 

I’ve never been a huge watch the game at the bar kind of guy.  Probably mostly due to the fact the Grey Cup and Super Bowl tend to be played on Sundays and I can’t get too caught up in partaking in too many libations, but mostly it’s because I genuinely enjoy watching these games with my family.  They are hugely responsible for my love of sports, since they always had them on the radio or television when I was growing up. So I might as well enjoy some good food, good adult  beverages, some gambling in the form of a Grey Cup pool and great company.  

I can only hope that the Young Squire, N8, can enjoy these events as much as I do.  Unfortunately today N8 is cheering on the Montreal Alouettes.  When reached for comment N8 replied “I like French women, so vive Le Quebec”.   Interesting rationale son.  If you prove to be correct I will be picking my proline picks next week according to each teams state representative in the Miss America contest.  Since at his young age N8 is clearly a visual learner I offer him the following pictures for comparison purposes.

So I am just finishing off some salmon and wiping my mouth with the sleeve of my Leafs sweater when the phone calls start coming in.

“Carlton,” the reporters say. “We understanding you are retiring. It’s all over the news.”

“What? “ I say.

“Haven’t you heard?”

“Fire up your internet, radio or television. Do you live in a cave or something?”

I let that one pass. Truth is, I don’t watch the news much. I’m a bear. The only time we are on the news is when one of us gets loose in some neighborhood and people tranquilize us.

I’m a reader, myself. Between books, Leaf games, appearances and coming in and out of hibernation just in time to eat a dozen of Burkie’s dogs, my schedule is pretty full.

One of my favourite authors is Mark Twain who once said “reports of my death have been greatly exaggerated.”

Substitute death for retirement and a silver haired guy for a dashing, lovable bear and the story is pretty much the same.

Kids, Carlton the Bear is not retiring. For one thing, I don’t even have enough saved up for a half decent ice floe.

You talk to other bears and they say ‘how many times a day can you go fishing or pose for tourist pictures?’

Nope, to a bear they tell you they wish they had stayed on the job.

And what a job?  Meeting kids, high-fiving hockey players.  My message machine is jammed with friends asking if they can take over my job.  Vultures. And not just them, storks and aardvarks too.

So for all you bear lovers, and who isn’t, I have a message.

Never fear. Your friend, Carlton The Bear will always be here.

In honour of Movember the Toronto Blue Jays have named longtime major-league catcher Sal Fasano as their manager at Class A Lansing of the Midwest League.  It should be noted that Jays were so sold on the concept of hiring a good mustache  for the position that they had previously contacted Tom Selleck’s character from Mr. Baseball about the position but he declined their overture.

Today I had an epiphany.  I was teaching my second of 2 Kindgergarten Phys-Ed classes today and something amazing occured to me.  I thought to myself – Self- I should be working on my Rik Smits standing set shot.  Just as that thought reached my pea sized brain then the glowing light beamed down and cleared way for my irrational thought “Why can’t I use all 17 of these youngsters as rebounders?” 

I didn’t have a lesson designed specifically for this so I incorporated my epiphany into my current lesson of using the utility balls co-operatively while bouncing, throwing and catching (Complex I know, but heck they are only 4 years old they aren’t quite ready for boot camp yet).  Anyhow not to bore you with the details but my shot was a killer and so much filler (of the nets that is) today.  I was experiencing the zone that players like Larry “Legend” Bird talk about.

Better yet the rebounding skills of the next generation are now being developed because of some early struggles that I was experiencing (editor’s note:  The custodian had the roof fans on and it took a few shots before I could find my rhytym).  Can you say “WIN WIN SITUATION”.  I say you’re welcome Basketball Canada.  Just doing my part to develop the next generation of Canadian Hoopsters.

Finally after a horrific start to the season some heads are starting to roll at MLSE.  Unfortunately for most Leaf fans Jason Blake’s head isn’t being chopped from the active roster yet (please Burkie that’s all I want for Christmas, really I was a decent kid this year, I promise) The unfortunate party turns out to be the only non minus member of the team.  The Toronto Maple Leafs will retire (can you say buy out package?) mascot Carlton the Bear in mid-December, ending two decades of silent service.

The ubiquitous white bear with the No. 60 jersey was hired back in the 1990s when Cliff Fletcher took over the team. The name and number of Carlton derived from the street address of the old Maple Leaf Gardens. 

General Manager Brian Burke is leaving no stone unturned as he continues to try to makeover the Leafs.  Now that Carlton is going to join likes of BJ Birdy and Youppi (at least the Expos version) in the Mascot retirment community, I’d feel a little uneasy about my job status if I were the Raptor.  Perhaps Brian Colangelo will follow suit and dispose of the Raptor due to the drubbing the Raptors went through the other night in Charlotte. 

Maybe the Raptor would be wise to put a few extra bucks in a high growth rainy day fund or better yet start a Mascot’s union.  Thoughts?

Don’t adjust your screen settings my friends your computer is just fine.  But judging by this photo the same cannot be said for Sammy Sosa.  Far for me to judge someone on anybody’s appearance but Mr. Sosa is definitely sporting  a different look these days.  It would appear to this untrained eye that he’s sporting a lighter shade of skin these days.  Am I wrong my friends?

 This has left me wondering what could be the matter with the “No speak da Englay” former slugger .  Thus far here’s the list the list that my crack staff of researchers can come up with.

• It’s quite possible that Sammy is up for a role in White Chicks 2 starring opposite the Wayans brothers.

• Perhaps Sammy has fallen in love with the use of pancake make-up?
• Maybe Sammy hopes it can be Halloween everyday, all year round?
• Is this Sammy’s tribute to MJ?
• Maybe Sammy has gone undercover and he thinks no one will recognize him?

I’m sure there’s an obvious reason that one would try to change the pigmentation of their skin.  I mean what sane human doesn’t want to that from time to time, right?  In any event since my crack research staff is a staff of ONE – namely me – I was hoping that some of you can reply back some possible reasons that Sammy Sosa is imitating Casper the Friendly ghost. 

Thanks in advance for helping me solve this caper. 

I went out and bought Bill Simmons new book a few weeks ago.  In actual fact I rushed out and bought it.  I had to have it.  There are no ifs, ands or buts about it.  The book needed to be mine.  Unfortunately I didn’t buy it for myself, I instead bought for my brother-in-law’s birthday present.  A great present indeed, in which I know he’s thoroughly happy to have received (Andrew: I hope it’s arrived by now)

In any event I do have a wish for my brother-in-law to fulfill.  I request that he  have all 700 pages read before December. Is that too much to ask?  The reason being is that  I’d really like to borrow the book during the month of December (who wrote the rules on borrowing a gift you bought anyways?) because according to the Sports Guy’s twitter account he’ll be coming to the Great White North on his book tour.    With the aid of the gift I bought I hope to replace this random guy

in this picture when I meet him.  Not only that, if my brother in law can comply and read the book fast enough perhaps I can even get it autographed (has there ever been more pressure layed on someone who has received a gift? )

If Operation “I bought you a cool book now read the damn thing” fails, all is not lost (you can breath easy my friends because I know someone of you might possibly lose sleep over this).  Luckily for me on the same very day that I bought my brother in law’s birthday present I was able to buy myself a little something from the bargain book rack.

This little diddy was sitting on the bargain rack for the low price of $4.99.  I’m sure the Sports Guy won’t be thrilled with that mark down, but this fella was elated.  So if my brother in law can’t get through a mere 700 pages by December, I’ll be prepared to sub in this one instead.  In any event I wanted to post Bill Simmons latest column that depicts the trials and tribulations of his book tour thus far.  Enjoy. 

If by chance you come across my collection of mediocre posts Mr. Simmons (if you do get a chance to read this you are obviously quite bored on the road for your book tour or your firewall settings on your computer are pretty feeble) please don’t be offended that I purchased your first book for bargain price.  Like most of my short comings these days, I’ll just blame it on the economic downturn. 

Tonight the Leafs are in Raleigh to take on the Carolina Hurricanes in a battle for the basement in the NHL standings.  If this would’ve been the two previous seasons when I was perfecting the art of Team Tanking I would’ve been all over the Leafs to lose this game.  However the script has been changed a tad this season due to the fact that the Leafs don’t own their 1st round pick any longer (It was nice knowing ya Taylor Hall) so due to this I have no choice but to hope for many Leaf victories to avoid the anguish on missing out on the 1st pick overall in the entry draft.

So I thought  I would scour the old information highway to aid coach Ron Wilson and help deliver an inspirational speech to the boys in blue and white prior to this evening’s pivotal tilt.  Luck be a lady or Jason Blake (whatever the case may be) I found a classic.  Go Leafs Go!

To read more about this young lad please read this.

That bell you hear is the death toll for my fantasy hockey team.  I’m reading reports that Alex Ovechkin is out with a shoulder injury and his return to the lineup is unknown.  If he’s out for an extended period of time my chances of finally hoisting the Danny Lloyd Cup are decimated.  I have a feeling that Geoff “The Duke” Wall might be responsible for Ovie’s injury, but at press time I have no conclusive evidence.  Nonetheless who is responsible for this injury, this news is potentially disastrous for my fair squad, worst yet though I wonder how these ladies might be reacting to this news right now.

Methinks they are probably sitting in a corner with their hands in their armpits ala Sister Mary Catherine of Saturday Night Live Fame.