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Archive for the ‘Big Tuna of the Week’ Category

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(I meant to award this Big Tuna last week but for some reason I didn’t have the time to post it.) 

The winner of this week’s Big Tuna is Kevin Hart. Kevin Hart is a 6-foot-5, 290-pound offensive lineman for Fernley High School in Nevada.  He claimed he was duped into believing he was recruited to play at the University of Califormia. 

Hart held a press conference at his school to announce that he would be accepting Cal’s offer over the University of Oregon’s.  At the announcement ceremony, Hart, with Fernley coach Mark Hodges at his side, said he talked with Cal head coach Jeff Tedford many times, and that “personal experience” led to his decision to choose Cal over Oregon.  Problem being, neither school had recruited this player.  

When I first heard of this story I felt terrible for Kevin Hart.  What a terrible experience to think that you were going to be playing some big time 1A college football at a big school and then have someone pull the carpet from underneath you.  As the story unfolded there had been some suspicion that Hart was duped by some recruiting agent. An investigation was launched and the truth finally came out.  Hart made up the whole story. 

Hart said he had wanted to play football at a Division I school “more than anything. When I realized that wasn’t going to happen, I made up what I wanted to be reality. I am sorry for disappointing and embarrassing my family, coaches, Fernley High School, the involved universities and reporters covering the story.”

Well Mr. Kevin Hart you may not be going to play big time 1A college football but all is not lost.  Due to your stupidity you will be presented with a can of tuna from my collection that sits in my nuclear protected safe bunker below my home.  Methinks Mr. Hart may need this can of tuna in the long run.  I hear the meal plan at the Devry Institute of Learning isn’t all that great.

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This week’s winner of  The Big Tuna of The Week is awarded in response to a passionate appeal delivered in the form of an email from a new reader.  The emotional nomination came from emailer Darryl from Walsh Station.  Darryl wrote “Hey Arsy wonderful blog.  Can’t get enough of your sly observations of the world.  Keep up the good work.  As for your Big Tuna of the Week award I would like to nominate my friend Joshua Owen Shank.  He’s gone missing in action.  He has all but abandoned his cabin.  I can’t find him anywhere.  Not even in the Saloon at Dino Video. Perhaps if he won an prestigious award like the Tuna he would come out from his slumber.  Thanks for helping out.”

Well Darryl from Walsh Station, I’m not quite sure if this clever plan of yours will work or not, but heck it’s worth a try. I tried to investigate Joshua’s disappearance myself after receiving your email.  My attempts were futile.  It would appear that he has vanished into the night.   

For being this week’s winner, Joshua Owen Shank will be presented with a can of tuna from my collection that sits in my nuclear protected safe bunker below my home.  There seems to be one catch though.  For him to collect this award he will have to brave the elements and climb over the wall that divides Burlington and Haldimand Norfolk.  My best guess is that this lovely can of tuna will never be in his possession.  Quite a shame.

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If anyone has any information about the whereabouts of this man please contact your local animal shelter.

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This week the Big Tuna Of The Week is awarded to none other than MLSE President Richard Peddie.  His bungling of the Leafs is merit enough for such an award.  This man may be lining my retirement pockets with green, but he certainly isn’t qualified to be making sports related decisions.  He should stick to building condos and malls.  

Peddie’s leadership on the hockey department side is laughable.  Peddie is calling around to gauge interest for someone to take over the G.M role on an interim basis.  Reports suggest that Cliff Fletcher is going to be the G.M. This move tells me that Peddie lacks a clear direction because he’s in some kind of pissing match with Larry Tanenbaum, who wanted to bring in Scotty Bowman during the summer.  Whatever the case may be, every day that passes without some indication from the MLSE brass that they have a plan and are acting on it is yet another reason to laugh at the Maple Leafs a lot. 

In lieu of sending Mr. Peddie a tasty can of tuna from my private stock, I will be donating the can to a local food bank.  Peddie can go wait in line at the ACC for $25 roast beef sandwich instead.

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This is an award that I’ll try to hand out each and every week. To be considered for this award the recipient will have had to display unquestioned stupidity, ridiculous and obnoxious behaviour and a general aura of redonkulousness.  The winner of this award will be presented with a can of tuna from my collection that sits in my nuclear protected safe bunker below my home.  It is my hope that one day this award will be as prestigious as a participant ribbon received during field day or perhaps a figure skating badge for completing a level.

 The first ever winner of the Big Tuna award is none other than myself.  I attended a wedding this past Saturday and I was a complete write off.  I was a drunken fool and an embarrassment to all short fat men everywhere. 

Since the wedding I have received a few reports via my Facebook account.  One of the messages I received was from my friend Duke’s Mom.  She wrote “Did you have a mouth full of marbles?……I didn’t understand a thing you said last night.”  Being fully aware of Facebook’s strict language laws I’m sure she had to rewrite her post several times before it was allowed to be published. 

I owe my wonderful wife a big thanks since she drove my drunken carcass home.  We were stopped by the RIDE program on the way home and the Police took pitty on her as they saw me sprawled across the backseat, they quickly realized that she didn’t have anything to drink and if she did she was in far better condition than I.

 

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