Archive for the ‘Whatcha Talkin Bout Willis?’ Category

I’ve been relatively silent for the past month.  Making Charles Oakley laugh via Twitter was obviously enough for me to lean back and hang my hat up for a month, but it’s time to float some of my random musings out again.  This could be seen a nuisance for some (let’s not lie….a nuisance for most) but I read something this morning that made me laugh so I thought I would share it with you.

The following is a quote from the ever quotable Jason Whitlock

The Big Three free-agent decision is the equivalent of Kim Kardashian, Paris Hilton and Bristol Palin agreeing to film a porno. Check that. I’d support that project wholeheartedly and would sit through several one-hour, Jim Gray-hosted infomercials about how the deal came together. Fox Sports

Thanks Mr. Whitlock that type of visual imagery made my day. Oh yeah…the rest of the article is bang on to.

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Due to some scheduling conflicts (being a dad of 2 little dudes doesn’t leave too much time for appointment television) the First Lady and I weren’t able to watch the Prime Time Emmy Awards live on Sunday evening.  However due to the little invention that could (PVR you have a special place in my heart) I was able to see this gem by Ricky Gervais a night later.  Live or on tape delay this is just classic.

I hope it’s Bucky Gunts, ’cause I didn’t know you could say that on television. Let’s face it – we’re all Bucky Gunts here.

Shortly thereafter, Gunts took to the stage in victory.  Admit it though you giggled when Gervais said “BUCKY GUNTS” didn’t you?  It’s okay to say you did because we are all a little Bucky Gunts aren’t we?

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Sir Charles Barkley is one of the most outspoken sports personality’s in North America.  I don’t always agree with his words or actions but in this instance I find it tough not to like Sir Charles after this particular rant on Lebron James and “THE DECISION”.  Here are some of his finer points. 

I heard about LeBron’s little tweet that he’s remembering everybody who said anything bad about him. He said “everybody.” Well I want him to make sure that he puts my name on that because I thought that was a little…you know his little one-hour special was a punk move.

I thought them dancing around on the stage was a punk move, and I thought he should’ve stayed in Cleveland. Him joining Dwyane Wade’s team was very disappointing to me. 

He got enough people kissing his ass with his family and all the people who work for him. We don’t have to tell him what he want to hear all the time. That’s one of the reasons I – you know, some of these young guys – my opinion is he should have stayed in Cleveland.

That one-hour special, them jumping around on stage like punks, that ain’t…that wasn’t cool to me.He knows where I’ll be, I don’t run.

I’m on TV every week. I’m easy to find.

I can’t find fault in anything that Barkley has stated in his above rant.  I thoroughly enjoy that Sir Charles will give you his honest take on this subject and not hide behind his TNT basketball rights contract.  This is yet another reason if given the opportunity I’d save a bar stool for the round mound of rebound (another reason I’d do this though would be because his girth would surely make me look like I’ve been working out).  Well done Charles.

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In an interview with the New York Times resident NBA third wheel Chris Bosh tries to explain how he treated the fine folks of Toronto during his summer time dalliance with free agency.

So it’s like, well, in my case, I’m going to have fun with it. I’m going to play with people’s emotions. I’m going to be high and low.”

If Toronto Raptors fans were put off by the way that former All-Star (and current All-Douche bag)  Chris Bosh played with their emotions this summer, apparently that was his intent.  I feel the need to state my position again that I have no problem with Bosh leaving Toronto for greener pastures, but I still feel that he could’ve gone about it in a much classier way.  Instead this man continues to put the ass in class which seems to be appropriate I guess since he’s the ass end of the three man donkey suit known as the Miami Heat.

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Imagine if you go to see Miss Universe, then you end up having Miss Iowa, you might get those kind of boos

That’s how Washington Nationals pitcher Miguel Batista summed up the fans response to his emergency start when rookie phenom Stephen Strasburg came up sore in the bullpen prior to the start of last night’s game.  In somewhat related and most likely geeky news I was very pleased when Strasburg didn’t pitch for the Nationals last evening.  My fantasy club (The Arsyholiks) ended up prospering because of his absence since Strasburg was supposed to toe the rubber for my opponent (Iron City).  So it’s safe to assume that I’m okay with Miss Iowa today.  

For those of you keeping score here’s a pic of Miss Iowa 2010. Her name is Katherine Connors.  She is now the equivalent to fantasy baseball kryptonite to my pal Hooks (who subsequently owns Iron City).  Tough luck Hooks and Iron City.

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Filmmaker Spike Lee said he doesn’t blame James for joining the Miami Heat, but said The King could have been more gracious toward Cavaliers owner Dan Gilbert, who said he learned of the move via a last-minute phone call from Rich Paul, one of James’ associates. “LeBron should have called instead of having Rich Paul call him,” Lee said on ESPN. “For me, that’s the same thing as Pat Riley faxing the Knicks, ‘I’m outta here.'” Because of the backlash in Ohio, Lee said, James must say “outta here” to Cleveland and Akron. “I don’t know how he’s going to live in Akron or Cleveland anymore,” Lee said. “They’re going to make his life miserable. … Why live someplace where you’re going to be hated? And the first time the Heat go to (Cleveland), they’re going to need the National Guard.”

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Eric Byrnes #22 of of the Arizona Diamondbacks hits an RBI double in the bottom of the first inning against the Colorado Rockies during Game One of the National League Championship Series at Chase Field on October 11, 2007 in Phoenix, Arizona. Stephen Drew #6 of the Diamondbacks scored on the play. (Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images) *** Local Caption *** Eric Byrnes

News of my new multi game contract with the team formerly known as the MOFO’s trickled past many sports reporting agencies.  I imagine that many of you missed this momentous signing due to the sheer speed that it scrolled by on the bottom line sports tracker on your television screens.  Regardless of the lack of the appropriate amount of  fanfare  my new pact with my slo pitch team is quite lucrative and up until now I’ve been real happy with my deal, but that was before I found about the stipend former big leaguer Eric Byrnes is playing for.

While Byrnes’s  Major League days may be over, his playing days are not. The Arizona Diamondbacks are paying Byrnes $11 million this year in the final year of a three-year deal and Byrnes is going to star for a team sponsored by Dutch Goose, a burger and beer pub in Menlo Park, Calif.

This is going to be a blast,” he said. “Playing with my buddies. I can’t wait for my first hit. I’m going to ask for the ball.”

Now I’m a team player folks and although I’m not that thrilled with my new deal right now I’m more than willing to be the second highest paid player if Mr. Eric Byrnes wants to join my squad.  How about it Eric?  I’ll make sure you get the ball from your first hit.  Although I must warn you Eric, we have a strict “You buy a case of suds” rule if you strike out.  Judging by the stipend that you are receiving from Arizona this year methinks that you can probably absorb a few K’s for the teams sake. 

So Mr. Eric Byrnes If things don’t work out with the Dutch Goose give the team formerly known as the MOFO”s a call.

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It’s not common place  in the sporting world that you will find an opposing team willing to go out of their way to make sure that their competitors are feeling good about themselves, either before or after a contest.  It’s usually more likely for one competitor to cross the line in one fashion or another in terms of being honourable and showing respect to his/her opponent.  Generally people will probably find that much of the old time integrity that players once showed has been replaced with histrionics and show boating.

 With this in mind I found it refreshing to read the following quote from Alex Ovechkin after Jaroslav Halak of the Montreal Canadiens stood on his head and stopped 53 shots to force a Game 7.

“We make goalies feel unbelievable,” Alex Ovechkin said afterward. “When we played against Philly, (Martin) Biron was good. (Henrik) Lundqvist was good. And this year we just made Halak feel good.”
This quote leads me to wonder what (other than the obvious of hitting Halak time and time again with the puck at varying speeds and in various places) Ovechkin and his mates did to ensure Halak’s happiness?  Since my crack research staff of one (me) couldn’t come across anything on the net (scour the web I did) I’m left to imagine the possibilities.  Perhaps the loyal and few readers that I have can help me out by posting some clever and witty commentary on how Ovechkin and his mates “make goalies feel unbelievable”.  Keep it clean folks. 

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Sportswriter Jeff Pearlman didn’t mince his words or get all weepy eyed about “The Big Unit” Randy Johnson’s retirement announcement.  Judging by Pearlman’s thoughts it’s a safe bet that Johnson won’t ask Pearlman to help write his speech for his induction into Cooperstown when the time comes.

I have nothing but negative thoughts for Randy Johnson, a brilliant pitcher but a pathetic human being. I covered baseball for a good chunk of time. I had direct access to such unpleasant men as Will Clark, John Rocker, Barry Bonds, Arthur Rhodes. But nobody—and I mean absolutely nobody—possessed the pure dismissive cruelty of Randy Johnson.

I’ve heard it a million times—no one cares how athletes treat the media. Well, I care. And Johnson was a punk. He bullied reporters, he snarled at reporters, he occasionally threatened reporters. He is one of the far-too-many professional athletes who believes the ability to throw a round piece of animal skin 100 mph grants you the right to treat other human beings as dog excrement. Just ask anyone who covered Johnson during his days in Montreal, Seattle, Houston, Arizona, New York and, lastly, San Francisco. He was a first-class pitcher and a first-class creep.

Jeff Pearlman Jeff Pearlman

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Fear not Bengal fans (I have the distinct pleasure of knowing only 1 Bengal fan and he goes by the name of ELONG, so this news is for you pal) it would appear that Chad Ochocinco isn’t worried about his injured left knee keeping out of this weekend’s playoff tilt vs. The New York Jets.
I had sex yesterday. With some of the moves I did — I should be fine.

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